My dude is deaf as a post! Yes, I know that neither he nor the audiology consultant agree with me but I believe them both to be in denial.
For the 3 years that I have been in love with this bozo, I have lived in a constant state of parrot-like speak, pause, repeat, pause, repeat, resist urge to throttle. Next sentence. For 33 years I have lived in a world where I say a sentence and my co-chatterer responds in such a way as to facilitate a conversation. These days however, my sentence is met with “Eh, I missed that”, “Eh?”, “Did you say something?”, ” ” (That’s the silent nod response) or simply no response at all. The absolute worst however is the blank / horrified stare; which indicates that he is scared to ask me to repeat myself…AGAIN.
So, last week, I shoved him into our local audiology department and suggested, yes aggressively, that he get his lugholes looked at. Wise man never argued. He arrived home triumphant. “I told you there is nothing wrong with my hearing!” The kids and I looked at each other dumbfounded. “He is lying Mum, tell him off” demanded my son. “What’s the point?” quipped my daughter “He cant hear her anyway”. All but Hubby broke into giggles; he simply wore his blank face. We knew he didn’t dare ask us to repeat.
Apparently, he believes me to be too softly spoken. Hmm…Easily fixed if you say “Eh” again dude! I need to get his attention before speaking to him says the ever so insightful, but definitely crap, Consultant. I consider my own Mother’s attention grabbing technique of a clip-round-the-ear. Maybe not. Then it dawned on me. He does not appear to have any trouble hearing the TV, phone, next door’s crying baby or tweeting birds in the morning. Could he be faking it? Could he be winding me up?
No – decided he is deaf not stupid! Although…the kids have been wearing Hubby’s fear-face a lot lately. Learned behaviour perhaps? Could it actually be me that is the problem? Do I really mumble, mutter or whisper as so cruelly accused of? NO. Not possible! Just to test it though….
“OI, BUGGERLUGS, CLOTH-EARS, DEAF-DUDE” their 3 heads span round in unison. “There – you heard that didn’t you” they nodded meekly. “So, its not me, its…its…OMG… Selective Hearing!”
“What? Cant hear you” smirked Hubby. “What did she say?” grinned my Son. “I Dunno” answered Daughter. Yeah, lets see how funny they find it at dinner time. “What? Hungry? Sorry, didn’t hear you but my food was lovely”…